I'm not going to lie, yesterday was a really bad day (warning, it's a wordy and transparent one!)~ Vanessa
You know those days that you just can't deal with another thing and you want it to be bedtime so you can escape and you look at the clock and it's only 4:00 pm? Well, I had one of those yesterday. A bad day. I hesitate to call it a REALLY bad day because unfortunately I've had to experience a few REALLY BAD days, especially the day my brother died. So to put it in perspective I have to say it was just a bad day, but still a hard day. We'll go with that, HARD day, I like that better.
I don't have many days like I had yesterday, in part because of perspective of truly REALLY BAD days and also because I have put in the time to learn and develop tools and resources to deal with what life throws at me. I've invested in myself and my growth through self-development courses, lots of reading and through the creation of our very own 12 week transformational program for women called Shift to Joy. It was because of these life experiences I've had that I could contribute to the creation of something so powerful to guide other women through trying times. Check it out here at Shift to Joy to learn more.
Now for my day yesterday...
It all actually started on Friday evening at 11:35 when my lovely 17 year old son didn't show up at 11:30 pm, the time that we had agreed upon. Being the rational mother that I am, I gave him some leeway and didn't start the barrage of calls and texts until 11:54 PM. No Answers to calls or texts. Then 12:54 AM rolls around, still no answers. Obviously by this point I've been out of bed for awhile and in the kitchen, checking all traffic reports, Facebook pages, Moms of Castle Rock and Castle Rock Classifieds being my favorite go to's (lots of narcs on there reporting teens up to no good, a reliable source for info), Verizon call logs, Twitter, Instagram etc. Nada. Nothing. Crickets. A mother's worst nightmare. My next step was to wake Wren up at 2:00 am so we could start a Twitter Campaign to "Help Find Chase". So much for Social Media, even with all these resources at my fingertips I was still no closer to figuring our where he was busy making out. Then, prior to the Twitter Campaign launch, a text came in at 1:51 AM. Yes, almost a FULL 2 1/2 HOURS after curfew he texted me. He's so sorry, he just woke up, he's on his way home now. Ummm hmmm, sure, I wasn't born yesterday. In he walked at 2:05 AM at which point I went to bed because I wasn't prepared to deal with him. I'd leave that for the morning. Hubby was sleeping soundly, but at 3:25 AM, at which point I was STILL awake, he did get up, walk down the hall, saw Chase was home. All was well. Back to sleep.
As these family disturbances go, in my experience, fights with the kids lead to fights with the spouse. Anyone else experience that phenomenon? Next morning I had to fill the hubby in on what had occured during the night and our no-show-until-2:05 AM-son. Let's just say it was downhill from there.
The phone was confiscated, consequences were set, the interrogation was begun and then the lobbying ensued. FOR HOURS... After all, this was an important Satuday night for a teenage boy in Castle Rock, the 80th annual Starlighting, which is a huge downtown draw for all residents. I think Chase may have found his calling, I had no idea he was such a lobbyist and negotiator. He completely wore me down and out, which was his plan of course. He even had the gall to ask if he could sleep over at one of his friends house. SERIOUSLY??!! At one point, around 4:30 PM, yes it went on that long, I offered to call in a professional, my neighbor Julia who is an attorney and worked in the Bronx. I needed strong reinforcements and a trained professional to deal with him and shut him down. He was good! He didn't think I was serious about calling Julia. I was. At that point, he took the plea bargain and stopped. I was being more than reasonable and told him way earlier in the day he could go to Starlighting and be home by 9:30, not a minute later. He was home by 8:30 and I think he missed the actual Star being lit because of his lobbying efforts.
Early on in the day, the hubby and I began fighting because as he does (we all have our things), he turned it personal and became offended at something said during the teenage punishment phase. So off to the basement he went for the rest of the day (working). I do have to say he wouldn't have entertained the negotiations anyways and would've shut Chase down and I was kind of impressed and entertained by his arguments although it was exhausting and I let it go on too long. Between being worn down by Chase and even worse fighting with his father, I just wanted the day to be over. So, I went to bed at 8:30. I was in a horrible mood, with tons of thoughts going through my mind. And to be honest, yes, Chase had exhausted and annoyed me but it's my marriage and ultimately my family that my thoughts turned to. When these rare rotten days happen I notice it sends me into a tailspin of contemplation, wondering and insight that often leads to more questions.
Often, I think my word of the year should've been perspective. I've had it come up so many times and lately I've been wondering and thinking about what it means and allows to occur in your/my life. Maybe I let too much slide because of the perspective I now have after living through some of the worst of what can happen to someone. Or is it something else?
Are my thoughts and what I accept from others skewed? Do I "let" them get away with too much? Or on the flip side have I grown to accept that we each lead our own journey and the ramifications of actions and decisions of others shouldn't affect us personally and we should just go about our own business? When I get upset, like yesterday I find that I quickly recover and need to move on from it. But I know for a fact that some of this stuff I've let slide and move on from is stuff people have ended friendships over, led to rocky marriages, interventions have occured and kids have been grounded for months and lost privelages many times over. I ask myself these questions and wonder what angle I'm coming at it from. I think there are several possibilities but I'm not sure which one I'm living in. Am I numb to anything that happens, am I rolling with the punches and jumping back up, am I avoiding issues and emotions and stuffing them down to be dealt with later, have I grown to a point where I know this issue is the person's and not mine or am I being weak and letting others get away with behavoir very few would put up with and letting myself be used as a doormat? But then I have to wonder where is my threshhold? When is enough enough? Is it really about perspective or tolerance or avoidance?
Here's another thought, maybe it's about where your line is drawn in the sand? What is the straw that would break the camels back? Have you determined what your point of no return is? But that too is interesting because you may have a firm line, or so you think, then when confronted with that line being crossed did your line move or was it truly the end of your rope? Is that your level of tolerance or is it avoidance? And if other life circumstances were different would your line hold more firmly?
One thing I know for sure is that things tend to go full circle and circles intertwine. Be brave and follow the circle and you'll find it's full of surprises and aha moments. For me it all started with a certain 17 year old teenager on Friday night, moved on through the husband and marraige and ultimately is ending with me and my level of self-love I need to contemplate. I'm diving in because yes, I like to face my fears, it's scary, it's revealing and juicy and will lead to my own growth.
Here's what has been revealed in the last 5 minutes. I haven't ever and continue to not contribute much to the family finances. Yes, I've worked hard at being a stay at home mom, they've had a spotless house, dinner almost every night, no laundry piles ever, beautiful yard, carted around to where they needed to be, etc., I've always dabbled and had a small business and made a little but I admit, I would never be able to support myself or my kids. Ouch #1. Even a year ago, when for the first time in my life I did make enough to actually make a difference, it turns out it has to be paid back, and affected many people's lives negatively. My biggest fear come true. Imagine that. Ouch #2. My aha moment is this; If I did make enough to support myself that line in the sand I was talking about would hold firmer and a lot could change for our whole family. Therefore, in order to avoid those tough decisions, I sabatoge myself and only dabble or get involved in things that won't work out so I don't have to make those tough decsions. Hmmm, did I just solve it. Avoidance and self-worth are my main issues. Then here comes my husband's intertwining circle. Ouch #3 We're still fighting from yesterday, so as we continue to throw the swords, he tells me all he does is work to put a roof over our heads (true) and work so I can dabble in this and that, sit behind my computer and "work" and now he's got to pay off my mistake from last year (true). So why does he put up with this and not make me go work at Starbucks? My thought would be that he too is afraid my "line in the sand" would become firm and things would change. So ultimately, he's also avoiding. And BOOM, guess what? A few days ago I made up a quote I posted to Shift to Joy's Facebook "Joy is found on the other side of AVOIDANCE". Full circle. Crazy how this stuff works! Now the hubby and I have a place to start a normal discussion.
What I know for sure is life is a journey with lots of uphills and downhills and we're all just trying to figure out how to get through it. Here is my checklist of the top 5 things for a life that goes more smoothly that I'd like to share with the younger ladies before they dive in too deep to anything.
1. If you're going to have to create a lie to cover up, excuse or rationalize something, even a little white lie, don't do it, it's wrong. PERIOD.
2. Think twice about marrying or dating someone with an addictive personality, it will be a rollercoaster. You may love them like crazy but addictive personalities always have something they're addicted to and go overboard in all aspects of life. How do you identify this? Do they work too much, do they drink or do drugs? Are they obsessive about exercise? Do they roll the window down all the way if you say you're warm and need a little air (I find this to be a good test. An addictive personality rolls it all the way down so then you're freezing. Nothing in moderation.) I kind of find myself to be an expert in this field and feel I can speak freely on it being the child of two alcoholics, one of whom has already died from it.
3. Invest in self-develpment, even if it's scary because you may not want to face things. There will come the day you'll need strength and the tools and resources you've learned.
4. Don't be afraid to distance yourself from people who are negative, gossipy, don't have the same morals and make bad decisions.
5. If you're going to college only get a degree in a SPECIFIC field that leads directly to a job the day you graduate from college.
Perspectives of a college girl and her mom. Both are women in transition. Both are fashion forward ladies. Both are strong, confident women. Both are ready to inspire YOU! Stay tuned for college tips, school advice, surviving empty nest syndrome, style & fashion tips and good ole keeping it real posts from a mom and her college girl.